I must confess, I have been a confirmed Cougar for more than 10 years now…

I didn’t set out to be one. It just evolved out of circumstance. In fact, I didn’t see it coming. I was fairly shocked that I still “had it goin’ on”. I had been in a toxic marriage for several decades. My ex was 12 years older than I was and seemed like a good, stable, choice in a mate—financially secure, churchgoing man and all. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After my divorce I remember my mother’s sage advice. “If you ever marry again you should marry an older man who can take care of you financially.” I remember without thinking I blurted out, “If I ever marry again, I want a young man who will rock my world every night!” I thought she might combust! Okay, after years of being with a man who was less than” perky” and anything but interested in me— I was ready for a change!

When I had last dated, only older men dated younger women. Sure I had heard of the 60’s movie “The Graduate” with Dustin Hoffman, but I’ve never actually seen it. I must admit, I watched “American Pie” with my kids and learned the acronym “MILF” but I never dreamed I’d be referred to as one!

I was introduced to this intoxicating new world on a cruise. I took the cruise alone because I just needed a huge break after my divorce. Did I ever get one! I found myself on a ship in the middle of paradise –with a new kind of paradise in the discovery of my latent sex appeal to young men. Who knew?  They even have a song about this phenomenon “Stacy’s Mom”( has got it goin’ on).

Everywhere I went onboard the ship young men were following me around and asking to spend time with me–etc. 🙂 I remember being totally shocked– and okay absolutely delighted by this new experience. What an ego boost! I thought it was just an isolated experience of unusual young men onboard the ship until I came home and realized I was being actively pursued by young men wherever I went. Damn! This was some FUN!

Fast Forward 10 years. I have now resigned myself to the fact that I am a” born again” COUGAR! Meaning it has brought totally new life and meaning to my experience to be with amazing young men. My last relationship lasted for 6 years with a man more than 20 years younger. Yeehaw! We were in a monogamous, committed, relationship that brought depth and meaning and a lot of fun to both our lives! I am currently in a committed, monogamous, relationship with a man 20 years younger than me.

Just to clarify, I am serious about this stuff. I have been with two different young men who actually planned to marry me. We talked about it at length. I decided after decades of misery and suffering in a bad marriage, I really don’t want to make that mistake again. It’s hard to work up the courage to risk it all again. So I prefer a partnership instead. If we are bucking social norms here, why not have what you really want, right?

So how do you pull off a serious, committed relationship with a hot young buck? (Or with a cougar if you are that young buck) Stay tuned in and I will elucidate……

Cougar: What is it?

I’ve learned that technically a cougar is a woman who dates a man 10 or more years younger. Who’s counting? I think it’s just about older women with younger men. It’s an attitude not an age.

The Cougar Controversy:

Some people think a woman who wants to be with a much younger man is like a closet pedophile– even though they are consenting adults. Ok let’s face it, there have been some high profile cases of actual women pedophiles who have tainted the whole thing of being with a younger guy by seducing teenagers. Sick!!! I recently read about a middle school teacher who gave a lap dance to her male student who was having a birthday– in front of the entire class! One of the students filmed it on his phone. EWWWWW!

The whole idea of an older woman with a much younger man creates a stir! People have strong opinions about it. Some think it’s kinky or predatory in nature–imagining some woman preying on unsuspecting young men who don’t have the experience or sophistication to not succumb to her seduction. Some people are just plain offended by the idea of a hot, (often very fit) young man, with an older women–Especially older men! Some people think a young man who wants an older woman has “mommy” issues or an “Oedipus Complex”.

Public Reactions to Cougars:

Older Men Get Angry:

I had a comment from a man (51 years old) reading my online dating profile that said “I really enjoyed reading your profile till I got to the part where you are looking for “boys” the same age as my son?”  Okay. And the problem with that is? He was indignant that I didn’t want a man his age. My profile said I was looking for men 30 to 45. So a 30 year old is a “boy?” I don’t think so!

Other Women Congratulate You:

Women– for how many generations have we seen men choose much younger women? (Even while the men are married to us?) Is being with a younger woman a problem for the men?  They don’t think so. So why is it that when a WOMAN chooses to be with a sexy, young, buck, people get all riled up? I get high fives from women when I tell them I’ve had a committed relationship with a man 21 years younger for several years. I think it shocks them.

Voyeurs:

I am shocked at how often men and women ask probing, intrusive, questions about your intimacy when you are with a young man. People will openly ask me about my love life with my man. What the hell? It’s nobody else’s business!

But let’s be clear–a young man does not stay with an older woman unless he wants to!

Cougar Handlers:

Some people refer to them as “Cubs”. I’m sorry that just conjures up a whole lot of overtones of Mythical Greek/Roman tragedies where the kid is crushing on his mom. Just nasty! The young men could be called ‘Cougar Hunters or MILF Hunters”. That really describes the chase. What man doesn’t like the pursuit and conquest? I prefer to call them “Cougar Handlers”. Yep thought of it myself. The reason I like this title is that it really gets you thinking about how a middle aged woman wants to be treated–with great care. A handler knows the animal he handles and treats it with respect and care, while understanding that it’s still wild. An older woman has usually been through enough relationship experiences that she doesn’t want to deal with a lot of nonsense. It’s very important for the success of the relationship (however long that may be) for a cougar handler to learn exactly how his cougar wants to be handled. After all when she’s happy, you’re happy!

So what’s the appeal? Why does a young guy; who can have his pick of young, firm, women, want to be with a middle aged woman–usually a mother? Let’s face it, the middle aged woman is often passed over in many other social situations, as if her “best if used by date” had expired–like a piece of meat.

What is this social revolution taking place? Why does a young man get a “cougar crush“?

Keep following this blog and you will find answers to this intriguing question.